next in my series of ridiculous quarantine activities is doing Hot Ones at home. sounds fun! also sounds painful! you’re correct it was both of these things!!!

now, if you don’t know, Hot Ones is a YouTube series where the host, Sean Evans, interviews celebrities as they eat progressively hotter chicken wings. Evans is a fantastic host and asks intriguing questions, but the more entertaining part is watching seemingly untouchable celebrities hilariously suffer from the heat of insanely hot sauces. my dear friend Emma and I have loved this show for a while, and decided to do Hot Ones At Home.

the sauces

the question on many people’s minds is this: are these sauces reeeeally that hot? yes, my dear reader, they are. first, we purchased the hot sauces directly from the supplier for the YouTube show, The Heatonist. as in the show, we created a range of sauces with different flavors to ensure a well-rounded experience. they even have a collection on their website of all the sauces used in the Hot Ones videos. Emma did the research to find an array of sauces with ascending Scoville Units (SCU), the scale used to measure the heat of chili peppers. we ended up with the following lineup:

Sambal Oelek	2,000 SCU
Trader Joe’s Green Dragon Hot Sauce	???
Angry Goat Hippy Dippy Green Hot Sauce	2,300 SCU
Small Axe Peppers Habanero Mango	22,500 SCU
Hot Ones Los Calientes	36,500 SCU
Puckerbutt Chocolate Plague	690,000 SCU
Hot Ones The Last Dab XXX	2,000,000 SCU

the wings

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to do this in the park in a socially distanced manner, we came prepared with separate plates and utensils and a big batch of homemade cauliflower wings. I used this recipe from Delish – and while these were pretty decent for being vegan and homemade, I think they’d be 10x better if made in an air fryer or a convection oven. the once-crispy batter softened up in my 90-degree-heat walk to the park and as you can see, some are a ‘lil burnt. regardless, I made a huge batch with one head of cauliflower that was enough for 4 people, and it was much cheaper than getting tons of wings.

the reinforcements

what liquid really helps with the heat? after watching the Dan Levy episode of Hot Ones, we determined that milkshakes were a must. Evan and I got vanilla milkshakes, I brought a half-carton of oat milk, and a full bottle of water. Christine was super-smart and got herself a boba drink with ice cream in it from ShareTea and Emma had a giant water and a soy drink as well. Evan also brought ritz crackers – a smart addition.

the score

we each tried the sauce in a round and then rated each sauce with a “pain” and a “flavor” score. as you can see, as they got hotter my notes got increasingly incoherent! regardless, huge thanks to Emma, Evan, and Christine for deciding to do this ridiculous activity with me!

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#1 – Sambal Oelek

#2 – Trader Joe’s Green Dragon Hot Sauce

#3 – Angry Goat Hippy Dippy Green Hot Sauce

#4 – Small Axe Peppers Habanero Mango

#5 – Hot Ones Los Calientes

#6 – Puckerbutt Chocolate Plague

And now, storytime from Evan, as he gives a dramatic recollection of the moment I died…….

// For someone who hails from a country known for spicy foods, it was not the proudest moment. Curled up on the ground in clear discomfort with tears on her face, her friends, also consuming the same spicy sauce, looked on in bewilderment at the scene unfolding in front of them. For some, the wings led to stomach pain. For Aditi — the pain stretched over her entire body.

“Pretty spicy,” said Emma. “But not too bad.” 

“Whew, starting to feel this one,” remarked Evan, reaching for the last sips of his runny milkshake.

“I am never doing this again,” croaked Aditi, pangs of regret seared across her face as she lay down in the grass. The sweltering afternoon paled in comparison to the searing and increasing pain wrought by three million units of Chocolate Plague, an ancient elixir dating back to 2017. //

#7 – Hot Ones The Last Dab XXX

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~IN CONCLUSION~

I have SO many thoughts. as I am writing this weeks later – it was definitely a fun bonding activity! never have my close friends seen me act *so* insane so the entertainment value for them was quite high! in the moment though? excruciating pain. if only I had a dollar for every time I said “this was a terrible idea why did I do this!!!”

what was the best liquid? In the spicy-but-not-deathly category of sauces, you’ll be fine with some milk or a cold/icy smoothie or milkshake. the problem hits when you get to the insanely spicy sauces. I know i’m weak, but at that point it took at least a half hour for me to calm down from each bad bite. what helps is to have a constant cooling sensation in your mouth and something like sweet to neutralize the flavor – I do wonder if something like a popsicle would be nice here.

the sauces do end up getting a little pricey at an average of $10 ish per bottle. no one wanted to use the very spicy ones again so those are a bit of a waste, but Los Calientes was a hit and was consumed. we could have picked a better range of sauces, there was a huge jump from spicy to unbearable/terrible.

nonetheless – this was a very fun and entertaining experience. if you think you can handle spice, I challenge you to do Hot Ones. if you don’t think you can handle spice, you probably can’t, do not attempt this at home.